Glenn Quagmire
Glenn Quagmire (born Glenn Quagglechek) is the sex-crazed, perverted neighbor of the Griffins. Quagmire is a former ensign of the U.S. Navy, where he met Peter Griffin. In "Meet the Quagmires", it is established that he already knew Peter and his future wife Lois. He currently works as an airline pilot. Quagmire is roughly 5'8" tall in "Blind Ambition" and 61 years old according to his driver's license in "FOX-y Lady", although he recounts a youthful sexual encounter with Tracey Bellings set in 1986 in "A Fistful of Meg". He explains that he makes himself look younger by consuming carrots. Glenn currently resides at 29 Spooner Street, Quahog, Rhode Island. History Sometime in his past, Quagmire formed a relationship with Cheryl Tiegs, whom he loved. Unfortunately, he lost her, and has since tried to fill the hole she left by having sex with women. He has pictures of Lois in his house, including on the inside of his closet door in "Emission Impossible". He was once arrested for peeping on Lois in the girls' bathroom in "Blind Ambition". He was also briefly married to a maniac named Joan. She died after clutching onto Death's arm. Quagmire is currently a widower, although this is little hindrance to Quagmire, who delights in having intercourse with more girls without having to worry about cheating. In "420", Quagmire gets a new pet cat named James. Tragically, when Quagmire went to Vermont to buy a present for James, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Brian, go over to Quagmire's to shave James as a prank, which backfired when Peter accidentally stabs James. Peter reveals this when Quagmire offers a reward for knowing where James is simply to take the reward. In his spare time, he is a voracious reader, and participates regularly in local Book Club meetings. Quagmire's house is much in style with the 1950s-1960s. As his stated age is 61, he would have been a young adult during the time and it would have likely made a great influence on his lifestyle. He has a sister named Brenda who was physically abused by her deceased boyfriend Jeffery Fecalman and a deaf brother named Gary. He also has a son in Madrid, Spain who greatly resembles Quagmire, but with a snappy mustache and a ponytail, as seen in "Peter's Got Woods", despite claiming never to have had sex with a Spanish woman in "Brian in Love". However, it is possible he does not know the difference, as he was with Tricia Takanawa when he made the claim. He also seems to have several illegitimate children in Quahog, some of whom go to Martin Mull Elementary School, as seen in "Tales of a Third Grade Nothing". Of all his possible children, the only one with whom he has attempted to develop a relationship with and take care of is Anna Lee Quagmire, who is dropped off at his doorstep in "Quagmire's Baby". He ends up giving her to adoption to give her a better life than he could ever provide. Even though Quagmire was the first person Cleveland informed about his own spin-off. After Cleveland moved away, Quagmire has shown nothing but envy toward Cleveland, to the point of convincing himself that he was getting a spin-off and after delivering Loretta's deceased body, calling Cleveland "Joey". This envy has not ceased, as in the first season finale of The Cleveland Show, he and Peter attend Cleveland's parents' wedding, and Quagmire asks Peter if he can have his own show, but Peter says he can't because he's a rapist. Personality Quagmire is often seen saying "all right" while rocking his head back and forwards. Although Quagmire gets along very well with most people, it is revealed in "Jerome Is the New Black" that he dislikes Brian for the following reasons: *He constantly hits on Lois, even when Peter pays for his food and saved him from certain death. *He poops all over the yard as well. According to Quagmire, it adds additional insult to Peter alongside Brian hitting on Lois. *Brian is not trustworthy and never pays for anything, including debts and taxes; when asked to pay, he always remarks that he'll "get you later," but "later" never comes. *Brian pretends to be a deep guy who loves women for their souls when, in reality, he only dates bimbos; Quagmire then admits that he does the same thing, but the difference between him and Brian is that he is at least honest about his goals. *Brian is a terrible writer who he thinks he is superior when all he does is plagiarize others' work off the internet. *Brian has done nothing to help despite his liberal beliefs, except for trying to legalize marijuana. *Brian thinks that he is superior owing to the fact that he drives a Prius. To this end, Quagmire remarks to Brian that "driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ!" *Brian does not believe in religion and looks down on those who do. *Brian acts like an intellectual despite the fact that he has failed college twice. *Brian is a failure as a father and never sees his son. * Finishing his tirade, Glenn tells Brian, "I could forgive all of that - all of it - if you weren't such a bore", indicating that Glenn would still overlook all of Brian's faults were it not for the fact that Glenn considered him "just a sad, alcoholic bore". Ironically, Quagmire has hit on Lois as well, but claims to be honest about dating women for their bodies. What makes Brian and Quagmire's desires towards Lois different is that, while Quagmire is only interested in sex, Brian, as shown in "Play It Again, Brian", believes that he is more deserving of Lois, due to Peter often neglecting his wife for other interests and that they have more things in common. The conflict between him and Brian continues in "Quagmire's Dad" when Quagmire beat Brian for dating his sex-changed father, who wasn't aware of this until Stewie told him just before Quagmire arrived. An angry Brian gets the final word, however, when he says to Quagmire, "I fucked your dad". This went on in "Tiegs for Two", when Brian forced his way into Quagmire's class on having sex, in an attempt to get a date with Denise. However, since Quagmire's techniques were merely for getting laid and not finding love, Brian ends up destroying his and Denise's relationship. Blaming Quagmire, he gets revenge by dating Cheryl Tiegs and taunting Quagmire, who retaliates by dating Jillian. When Quagmire treats the four of them to dinner, Brian claims Quagmire was obese as a child, which sets off a chain of insults between him and Quagmire, causing a fight, making both Jillian and Cheryl dump them. This ends with Brian asking for a ride from Quagmire, who smiles and motions for him to get in, before speeding off before Brian can get in, reversing, and hitting Brian. Since then, whenever the two interact, Quagmire has been very rude to Brian, despite Brian's attempts to be polite, treating Brian like he is much more of a jerk than he really is. It usually ends where Quagmire quickly points out Brian's faults, or Brian inadvertently causes a situation that makes Quagmire hate him even more such as what happened with his 5-year old niece Abby in "Road to the North Pole". It should be noted, however, that before the writers rewrote Quagmire's personality to be nastier towards Brian, Quagmire was actually friendlier with Brian in earlier seasons. It's possible that the real reason that Quagmire no longer likes Brian is because Brian is simply a dog, as Quagmire developed an attraction to cats as demonstrated in "420" and in "Brothers & Sisters". Although his dislike of Brian came to a head in "Jerome Is the New Black", earlier examples of his frustration with Brian include "The King Is Dead" in which Quagmire is jealous that Brian got the lead in The King and I. In "The Man with Two Brians", Stewie upsets a girl that Quagmire is interested in dating, making her cry and run off. Quagmire yells, at Brian as he runs after her. Quagmire has shown a tolerance towards Brian in certain social situations without either of them being mean towards one another, be it Brian at Brenda's intervention in "Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q.", Brian being at a party thrown by Quagmire in "The Blind Side", and the two of them playing Laser Tag together in "Forget-Me-Not". However, when Brian dies in "Life of Brian", during his funeral, while everyone pays their respects to him, Quagmire instead watches baseball on his phone. Sexual Behavior If Quagmire could be summed up in just one word, it would be 'pervert'. According to the Las Vegas CD, Quagmire has had sex with at least 600 women. He has a foot fetish. In "Baby Not On Board", Quagmire gets an erection from watching the DirecTV help video. When Cleveland asks if there is anything that does not turn Quagmire on, we find out that the answer is "people who say the word 'rubbish' when they mean 'garbage'." Glenn also occasionally visits the local prison so that he can have sex with the female prisoners in "Breaking Out is Hard to Do". In "Emission Impossible", when Peter and Lois asked Quagmire to watch their kids, he agreed, but began to say, "In accordance with Megan's Law, I'm required to inform you that..." before cutting himself off and accepting the children anyway. This suggests that Quagmire is a registered sex offender. During a stint on The Bachelorette, Quagmire brought Brooke Roberts to his mother's, where he wanted a three-way with them. In "Tiegs for Two", he teaches a class on how to pick up girls. Quagmire also seems to have an affinity with rape because, in "Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?", when Stewie pretends to be a cheerleader, he encounters a gagged cheerleader in the male toilets and appears ready to have sex with her. In "Fore Father", during his attempt to rape a woman from the postal service outside his house, it is revealed that Quagmire's body has built up an immunity to Mace due to it being used on him so many times. Quagmire is also not above date rape, as shown how while being on The Bachelorette in "Brian the Bachelor", where he drugged Brooke's drink and attempted to drag her into a cabana, only to run off with one of her shoes when he realized their date was being filmed. Also in "Stuck Together, Torn Apart", a waiter at a restaurant asked Quagmire if he wanted the usual drink with a roofie, a known date rape drug to his female companion, something that Quagmire denies when he is with Lois, but later orders when he hooked up with Peter's date Jennifer Love Hewitt. Also, in "Baby, You Knock Me Out" he can be seen dragging away the unconscious female boxer that Lois had just fought. His bed, which he dubs the "Holderdowner 5000" in "Valentine's Day in Quahog" is equipped with mechanical arms in order to physically grab, strip and restrain any female in a position ready for sex. His cabin sofa in "It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One" is similarly equipped although it reacts to Peter only when manually controlled with a button on the wall. He also does not seem to care exactly what he has sex with as long as it's a girl and he's happy as in "Barely Legal" in which a giraffe starts to lick him before he realized what was happening and he then chased it away because it wasn't the same giraffe from the previous night. However, in "The Thin White Line", Brian detects that he recently had sex with two women and a man. Although Brian does detects the scent of a man whom Quagmire had sex with, Quagmire corrects Brian that he had sex with "Three Filipino women" only to realize that the third was a transsexual. This realization prompts Quagmire to run and cry at the horror of having sex with a transsexual woman. It is also shown that Quagmire also engages in necrophilia; this is shown in such situations as when Death killed Joan in "I Take Thee Quagmire", he asked if he could leave the body with him for 5 minutes, and he is shown jumping out of a coffin half-naked in an uncensored scene in "Airport '07." He once said that if he could be with any woman in the world, he would choose Taylor Hanson, not realizing that Taylor Hanson is actually a guy. Surprisingly, it wasn't until "Family Goy" that he discovered internet porn. Two days later, it is revealed that he masturbates with his left hand. He imagined himself as a condom in "Extra Large Medium", but didn't realize the condom was for 2 gay guys. Despite imagining himself as a condom it is shown that Quagmire doesn't use them when having sex, he has made jokes about this and is even shown to trick women into believing he wears a condom during intercourse in "Airport '07" where he has sex with the airport clerk. Quagmire's habit of unprotected sex may explain why he has multiple sexually-transmitted diseases. Murder of Jeffery Fecalman In "Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q.", tired of his sister's abusive boyfriend Jeffery Fecalman, Glenn, Joe and Peter set out into the forest on a "hunting trip" with a plan to kill Jeff. Not being fooled by the plot, Peter and Joe get knocked unconscious after Jeff hits them in the head with a gun and strangles Quagmire when dared to prove his manhood in a fistfight. When Jeff is digging a hole to bury Glenn, Quagmire comes up behind him in Peter's car and drives towards him, smashing Jeff against a tree and killing him. When they return from the woods, Joe writes a fake letter to give to Brenda to cover up the murder, explaining that Jeff was leaving her. Theme Song Quagmire has his own theme song, as seen in "Breaking Out is Hard to Do" and "Airport '07", although the theme song is only shown on the uncensored version of the latter episode. It usually starts off with an announcer saying "Who else but Quagmire?", and then it goes into an opening sequence featuring his face against a background of changing colors, while studio singers sing the theme song, with Quagmire singing the last line; :He's Quagmire, Quagmire :You never really know what he's gonna do next :He's Quagmire, Quagmire :Giggity giggity giggity giggity, let's have sex! The sequence then cuts to a setting that is supposed to be entirely serious. So far, a fancy dinner party and a funeral for a young woman who died a virgin have been shown. Quagmire will then perform an outrageous act, much to the surprise of the bystanders. During the dinner party sequence, where he was dressed as a waiter, he stripped down to his underwear and danced upon the table. During the funeral, he popped out of the coffin in his underwear and danced offscreen, implying that he had sex with the corpse. The presumed "closing credits" sequence is almost identical to the opening sequence, except the theme song is performed thusly; :He's Quagmire, Quagmire :Giggity giggity goo! Relatives *Crystal Quagmire (mother) *Dan/Ida Quagmire (father) *Gary Quagmire (brother) *Brenda Quagmire (sister) *Unnamed grandfather (grandfather, deceased) *Joan Quagmire (wife, deceased) *Anna Lee Quagmire (daughter) *Brenda's unborn baby (nephew/niece) *Abby (niece) *A white third grader (illegitimate son) *A mentally-challenged third grader (illegitimate son) *Hispanic third grader (illegitimate son) *A Spanish man (illegitimate son) Notes * Quagmire has expressed interest in having sex with many of the women Cleveland has been romantically involved with. In "The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire" he has sex with Loretta, then in "Love, Blactually" he has sex with Carolyn and in The Cleveland Show episode "Beer Walk" he asks Cleveland if he can do his wife Donna. * In "Death Lives", Quagmire is wearing an enlisted sailor's dress uniform when he introduces himself to Peter as "Ensign Glen Quagmire". However, commissioned officers wear a different uniform. * Quagmire drives a red 1957 Chevrolet Bel-Air. * When a sexual comment is made to or by Lois , Quagmire can be heard to say "OH YA!!", "OH!!" or "Giggity" without him being in the conversation such as in "Breaking Out is Hard to Do". * He has a foot fetish in "Fore Father". * Quagmire is the only one of Peter's friends that has been around and friends with Peter for the entire series. Joe didn't first appear until "A Hero Sits Next Door" and Cleveland left the show early in season 8. * In "Emission Impossible", he is building a sex doll reminiscent of Lois. * Quagmire possesses every disease known to man in "Halloween on Spooner Street". In the same episode, Quagmire also tells Peter & Joe that he is patient zero of Gonorrhea. * He owns a monoplane and a biplane, as seen in "Mother Tucker" and "Hannah Banana" respectively. * In "Family Goy" he discovered online porn late in life. * In "Tiegs for Two", it's revealed that Quagmire is half-Polish and his original name was Glenn Quagglechek. He was also obese as a child. * Though Quagmire has a soft spot for animals, Brian is the only animal that he despises. * In "Spies Reminiscent of Us", Quagmire mentions he has had 3 improv classes and takes improv very seriously. * In a future Quahog after a nuclear war with the resurrected Confederate States of America in "Back to the Pilot", Quagmire has become a mutant frog named "Frogmire" until he is destroyed by a terminator-like Joe. * In "Grumpy Old Man", Carter mispronounces his name as "Quandary". * Glenn dresses as Aquaman as part of Peter's plan to reunite Billy Finn with his wife Joanne in "Be Careful What You Fish For". * According to "Peter's Progress", Glenn was Jack the Ripper in a past life. * In "The Old Man and the Big 'C'", it's revealed that he has been wearing a wig the whole time. He accepts his baldness for a little while until Peter and Joe make him get a hair transplant because his personality had changed. This contradicts "The Perfect Castaway", in which he is shown to have grown his hair out. * In the courtroom scene in "The Simpsons Guy", he is seated next to Lenny Leonard, who claims to not really enjoy sex. Category:Spooner Street Neighbors Category:Quagmire Family